Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
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asking santa clause for nudes
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house