Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
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*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
*performs CPR on the turkey*
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row