The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
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As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.