I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
You Might Also Like
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it