I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
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Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
sistine chapel
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.