Had a spot of bother earlier.
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Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My last name is Zilla.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff