Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
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The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy