him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
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Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.