My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
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Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
wait.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫