I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
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‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No