Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.