[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
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Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Perfect.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?