she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
selfie game
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.