What the hell is going on?
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I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
yeah no that’s fair
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old