[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
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We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
bias laundering edition
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?