I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
You Might Also Like
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!