If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
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Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok