When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.