Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
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Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.