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Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My safe word is Worcestershire
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?