My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
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I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Dammit Chief not again
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.