A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
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the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.