Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
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I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.