me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
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4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong