just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
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Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications