I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
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*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?