Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
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kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”