People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
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I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.