If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
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Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Best seat on the street 😍
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?