[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
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[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Catercrombie & Fish
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
work smarter, not harder
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg