Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
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“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex