Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
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Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.