It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
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babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking