Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
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My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth