I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
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I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
That’s incredible! 👌
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.