[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
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Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
plant them where lol
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Mornin
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”