Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
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I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened