Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
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i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
The little toadstool has spoken.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes