* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
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my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.