Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
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I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Just a friendly reminder!
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.