[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
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I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
“How’s your day going?”
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes