mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
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If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
me opening up to someone
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.