Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Perfection.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people