If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Sunday
Who chose this font
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick