Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
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I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Damn what did I do next
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.