[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
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My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*