Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
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[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.