I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
You Might Also Like
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
#Caturday