Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
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10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
i can’t wait that long
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.