[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
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My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
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Morningbreath
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once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.